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Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout progress

Postby LDS

As is tradition (well, 2nd time now) I shall endeavour to follow the progress of all the players at the Snooker Shootout who are so obscure and relatively unknown that they don't even have a Wikipedia page dedicated to them yet.

There's quite a haul of them this year, so without further ado, better crack on:

Round 1:

Liam Davies was in the 2nd match to play. He kinda looks like someone who'd've had a starring role in the old television series Grange Hill. He started well, with a blindingly good break of 3. Alas, his fifteen minutes of fame turned out to be more like 15 seconds as his opponent proceeded to make a century break off his next shot. Back to ol' chalking board for Liam:

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Next up was Simon Blackwell, who threw everyone for six when he came out looking exactly like his opponent in the dim light. As they came into the spotlight it became much easier to tell them apart, Blackwell was the one with slightly blonder hair. They both then proceeded to play equally terribly. The terrible twins. Even though he left his opponent more chances than Barry Hawkins had in the Masters Final, Blackwell somehow managed to win. More by default really:

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I was surprised to find that Dylan Emery doesn't have a Wikipedia page yet, I could have sworn I'd seen his name during the season in the last 128 of various events. His obscurity is surely soon to be at an end. It was quite difficult getting a good photo of Dylan, every time I went to take a snap his cue would flash into view and completely cover him from view. He started well, then he started looking comfortable, then he saw wot 'e dun, and he dun it bad, but it wasn't over yet! Was it? Was it? Oh yes, it was, there was only 2 seconds left:

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Next up was going to be a good laugh. We were going to get to see a top seasoned professional possibly make a small boy called Sam Moody cry on live television. The toddler strode out with all the confidence of someone who'd just got what they wanted for Christmas, and proceeded to whack in a screamer of long pot. He didn't stop there, quickly hammering in a few more professional level pots. But wait! Oh the tragedy! Cueing awkwardly over the cluster of reds, he drifts the white into the corner pocket! Oh well, now for the pro to do his thing.

The poor pro completely failed to do his thing & the pre-schooler was back in, knocking them in off the lampshades, one after the other. Surely, a famous upset? But no! Wait! Oh, that wasn't ideal, the pro's back in! And does nothing! The infant jumps for joy and punches a few flies out the air while the poor seasoned professional starts learning to live with this rather humiliating defeat, a small tear or two forming in his eye:

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Fresh off the set of the latest episode of Vera, where he plays Policeman No.4, Heydon Pinhey was the last of the afternoon n00bs. Towering over his opponent he looked to have all the grace of a bull in a china shop, and proceeded to pot in a similar fashion, blasting in a few crackers before completely shanking some really ugly no hopers. The frame ebbed and flowed between competing 10 and 20 breaks. Somehow he was ahead, somehow he looked favourite to win. Surely! Alas no, one shank too many, and he knew it instantly, that would be it for him:

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Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby Prop

They did a feature on Moody during a tournament recently. I thought at the time “yeah, yeah, let’s see”. Plenty of ‘next big things’ don’t even get back on tv.

He impressed me today. Not just his game, but the way he looked so comfortable out there, like LDS and McManusFan have said. Definitely one to watache. But we need more like him. 25-30 years ago he’d be one of many young players of similar standard and swagger, on the brink of breaking through.

Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

Round 1 (continued):

Paul Deaville is another who is surely on the cusp of establishing a professional status as I'm sure I've seen his name in some recent last 128s. Seemed to be up for the spirit of the thing from the get go, either that or he just had a new black and white spotted coat arrive in the mail. He got off to flying start and cruised to a healthy 37 point lead. Then disaster struck. One bad shot and his opponent was all over him like a cheap black and white spotted coat. You felt it was all over and that it was a bit of a shame. There was no need for this feeling as his opponent kindly returned the favour, allowing Deaville back in with plenty of time to clear up the necessary:

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Next up was some bloke. The bloke turned out to be someone called Mark Lloyd. Just what the game needs, another C'mon Mark. Both players played very bloke'ish snooker for a bit, the odd ten-odd break here and there with lots and lots of glorious shanking. You felt it was all over for blokey, but his opponent just managed to out-shite him, resulting in some bloke getting a surprising and eyebrow raising win:

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Speaking of secret lovechild's, the final n00b of the night was the extremely aptly named Ross Bulman, who looks like the secret lovechild of Gazza, Matt Damon and a Bull Terrier. Though truth be told, I'm averse to making too many gags here as he strikes me as someone who could easily lay me out in approximately 5 seconds. Again, true to his name, he came out bullish and was the first player in amongst. In fact he proved to be very adept when in amongst and was quickly amassing nice breaks as if he were already a full time professional. He got a concession well before the end of the time limit. Thoroughly bullish in every regard:

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Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

Lol, thanks.

It's been a bit of a nightmare this afternoon, but I did my best for what it's worth.

Round 1 (continued):

I was quite excited for the Daniel Wormesley Wormsley Wormersley match, but was confounded by it not starting to stream. I refreshed, logged out and in again, refreshed a lot more, but nothing happened. All I could do was sit back and watch the score-ticker rapidly advancing Wormer's score ever higher and higher. A mild depression set in. Suddenly the screen was again ablaze, with just three minutes left I had to try and scramble for some content. Ah, right, nope, no time to get anything of great value. Damn you Wormy, damn you to hell! I'll get you in the next round goldarned!

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The problems continued, only worse. Quite peaked for a match between Ding and Hawkins everything went blank again. And not only blank, but like my stream was being invaded by 4Chan Anonymous division. I scoured the internet and it seemed Ding had exited stage left and was to be replaced by someone called Ryan Davies. Oh jeez! I wanna see that too! Who IS this Davies fella? Is he the next Davis, but e'volved? I'd never find out, the stream never materialised. Somehow the sudden replacement was too much for modern technology to handle, Ding had broken the system. I struggled to even find a score tracker & when I did it showed Hawkins had won 26-22 or something like that. Oh well, probably didn't miss much.

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Surely now, I'd finally get to watch a good n00b match this afternoon, third time lucky and all that. Well, yes I did. Liam Graham had somehow managed to bunk off double math to make it into the arena, and the stream went fine. As did Graham, getting off to a bulldozing start after a cracker of an opening red. He played perfectly, grade A snooker, it looked for all the world like a famous win was on the cards. Then his opponent fluked a red after a Maguire'esque smash into the pack. They say the snooker gods are a cruel deity, but when you combine them with the truancy gods the amassed bad karma is just inescapable. Poor young Graham barely saw another shot. I bet he'll be wishing he'd gone to double math now instead.

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Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

And so to the final evening of the first round and the final n00b.

Round 1 (continued):

Young Barry Robbie McGuigan steps into the ring, happy just to be allowed to stay up past 9 O'clock. Things go well, briefly, but turn south relatively quickly, it's not long before McGuigan is just a spectator, hoping his opponent at least takes enough time to get to the full 10 minutes, 10 O'clock would be so exciting! But wait! Could there be a twist in this tale? His opponent has left him in, and there's still 5 minutes left on the clock! Can Barry Robbie take advantage? Aghhh, no, it's agonising! But wait! His opponent goofs again! Barry's Robbie's in amongst! But alas, he potted the Blue ball when he should've potted the red ball... and he knows it's all over for another year. Damn, and he didn't even make it to 10 O'clock. Oh well, Barry Robbie, time for bed.

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Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

Round 2:

C'Mon Mark No.873 was the first n00b up, and he had to face the imposing C'Mon Mark No.257. But C'Mon which Mark? That was the question on everyone's lips. Well, I was rooting Mark Blokey as oppose to Mark Fella. The game got underway in good spirits and fortune seemed to favour Blokey, he was in first and also the first to put some points on the board. Fella was playing terribly, but could Blokey capitalise? His break was going well. But then... disaster, an awkward shot bridging over 3000 reds went slightly askew and Fella was in. Yup, you kinda felt that would be it for Mark Lloyd, and so it was.

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Second up was Babyface Finlayson, currently operating under the pseudonym Stan Moody. He was in for a tough challenge against Dr. Evil, but you felt good would prevail in the end. Dr. Evil scored first, but was showing Moody too much respect, his evil plan was waaay too obvious. A crushing safety battle ensued. Dr. Evil wouldn't budge an inch, our hero becoming ever more entangled in a web of pure boring. Moody started turning blue from suffocation... then he escaped at the last minute! A chance! A sitter! The crowd went wild! You could see Dr. Evil preparing his "it if wasn't for you meddling kids" speech! But no. The snooker gods were cruel, no colour was to be found. Dr. Evil vanished behind his cloak in a flash of bright light yelling "MWHAHAHAHAHA" leaving Moody pondering what could have been. His mum was just glad he didn't pick his nose and eat it.

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The third of the n00bs into the arena was... erm... wait a mo. Hmm, who was it again? Excuse me, I'll just go and check my notes. Simon... ah, here we are, Simon Blackwell. He entered the stage with a look on his face that expressed perfectly what everyone else was thinking, "My god, I'm actually going to try and beat Luca Brecel at a game of snooker, lol, yeah, right". Oops, wait a mo... ah yes, that was it... Blackwell... was very quickly completely boned. Brecel was potting them for fun. Lol, the n00b get's a sitter for a starter, Lol, I bet he makes 12, Lol.

Oh blimey, he's potting all of them! This wasn't in the script! Simon Black well well well, now there's a turn-up for the books. Surely just an aberration though? Yup, Blackers leaves Brecel a starter, here we go... Don't we? ... No we don't! My word, Simon Blackwell is on fire! Someone call the fire brigade! He's only gone and done it!

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Our final n00b of the afternoon was Paul Deaville. Who did nothing of any note whatsoever. Except pull some rather amusing faces here and there, most of which my fastest fingers first failed to find the effin' keyboard for all of'em. Which was hardly my fault, as the camera rarely ever shot over to him, what with him doing nothing of any interest whatsoever. It wasn't from a complete lack of chances either, he had quite a few, but nothing came from any of them. You can tell can't you, you can tell I'm really struggling for content here huh, hmmm... erm... well... er... um... nope, I've got nothing. As did Deaville:

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Last edited by LDS on 22 Jan 2022, edited 1 time in total.

Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

Round 2 (continued):

The evening session of n00bs got underway with Daniel Wormesley Wormsley Wormersley. Unfortunately, someone or something does not wish me to report upon this player.

He won, I guess :shrug: I'll try again tomorrow for third time lucky:

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Ross Bulman's match finished off the n00bs of round 2. His opponent must be a matador expert as well as a snooker player, because Bulman was patiently run around the table many times for precious little opportunities. It was nervy all the way though, there was barely anything between the Leeds giant and the plucky n00b, one misplaced shot could be the difference. Lam continued to Ole Ole Ole as Bulman struggled to find a red and then Lam finally got the crucial strike that felled the raging bull. Bulman got one last golden opening, but it was too late, it was nothing but a bum steer:

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Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

The stats:

2/6 n00bs made it through round 2 to get to round 3. Both of them with hypably good performances. There's no order of quality to who will likely progress to round 4 other than one player has proven himself more than capable twice now. The survivors are:

Daniel Wormersley
Simon Blackwell

Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

Round 3:

Simon Blackwell emerged onto the stage with all the confidence of a man who'd just knocked out a seasoned top 16 player. This was a nice feeling. Mr. 12 break was now a long forgotten memory and he was here to do business! The first chance he got he slammed home a beauty of a starter. Continuing where he left off yesterday he went on to compile a huge break of... 12. *Snicker Chortle Chuckle*. Then disaster struck! Completely carried away with his own superpowers he blasted a red clean off the table! His opponent took maximum advantage and quickly amassed a score of... 12. *Light chuckling*. Undaunted Blackwell was back in amongst the balls, powering in a staggering... 11. *Guffaw Guffaw Guffaw*. A famous victory looked on the cards right up until the last moments. With just double seconds left his opponent was in amongst and it was all Balckwell could do but stand and watch the highest break of the match sink slowly past.

Still, not a bad accolade, 2nd best N00b of the year:

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All our hopes and dreams now rested with Daniel Wormesley Wormsley Wormersley. It was going to be a battle of the beards like the game had never seen before. Would the tall, handsome, well manicured beard of true culture be able to overcome the scruffy, down to earth, unmown lawn beard of his opponent? Worms was first in, and then quickly out again. Wormsy was in again, and out again. The beards were shakin' it all about, but no-one was getting the razor's edge. Finally, the best beard kicked into action and the balls started swooning into the pockets. Barry Gibb would be so proud of his young Padawan. The scruffy, unkempt beard tried for one last time, but he was too afraid of a close shave, it was all over. Scruffy beard could do nothing but bow down and submit to the might of a truly remarkable array of follicles:

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Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

Round 4:

The Big D finds himself in another battle of the beards, but this time he not only has the advantage of a superior cut of his particular Gibb, but he also has the advantage of hair elsewhere on his head. This would surely intimidate his frightened opposition. Yes! The Big D does indeed get in first, with a lovely red. But woe! A touch of the night fevers maybe? No big break emerges, and worse still, his opponent starts proving that hair is for weaklings. There's not much time left, and everything's getting a bit safe, and, oh woe upon woe, Wormy's left the follicley challenged guy plumb in, with everything on! Looks like The Big D is going back to mass'a'chew'sits... NO, WAIT! His opponent goofs horrendously, and a foul to-boot! The Big Worm is right back in this! He's potting again! He's staying alive! He has this! He's WON! We have a n00b in the QUARTER FINALS!!!!!!!!! *flings coat and dances*

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Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

Thanks for the kind words, one of the drawbacks to doing this is you never know if anyone even reads it or cares, lol, so thanks for letting me know someone enjoyed it. :-)

The_Abbott wrote:Some Noobs might be at the World quals in April


I wouldn't dream of making light of such a conversely serious tournament as the WSC in the same manner, I find the reverso nature of the shootout & it's atmosphere generally practically demands a good laugh approach.

But, yeah, even the WSC can throw up some amazing n00bs <ok>

Re: Let's spotlight the n00bs and follow their shootout prog

Postby LDS

LDS wrote:the reverso nature of the shootout


To which I think this thread possibly also breaks a snooker Island record, and turns the Island on it's head, by being the only thread in this subforum to not contain a single post by either snookerfan and/or Juddernaut88. <laugh>